Fingers in the Quiet

I keep my distance like a promise,

Like a wall I learned to build.

I let somebody get too close,

Then wonder why I’m hurt still.

I gave away the parts of me

I never showed before,

And they turned every secret

Into something I couldn’t ignore.

So now I measure every sentence,

Every person, every room.

I’m afraid that if they know me,

They’ll find something they can use.

I want to open up my hands,

But my fingers always close.

I want somebody beside me,

But I’m scared of being known.

And I hate that I still want it,

After everything I’ve learned.

I want somebody to notice Without asking what it costs to be

heard. I just want someone,

anyone, To see me underneath the smile.

To notice when the light gets dim And stay with me awhile.

I want someone to hear the words I never seem to say.

I want to know I’m somebody’s

First choice for one day.

But how can someone find me

When I’m always hiding away?

How can I ask to be held

When I’m terrified to stay?

I want somebody to see me,

But I don’t think I’ll ever let them.

So I disappear inside my head And wonder if I’m worth remembering.

I know I’m lucky,

I know I am.

I know there’s good around me.

I know how much I’ve been given,

So why does sadness still surround me?

I smile because I’m supposed to,

I laugh because I can.

But somewhere underneath it all,

I barely understand who I am.

And maybe I just want attention,

Maybe I want someone to care.

Maybe I want somebody to notice

When I’m struggling to breathe the air.

Then I tell myself I’m selfish,

That somebody else needs more.

So I push away the feeling

And lock another door.

Take me somewhere in the mountains,

Somewhere nobody expects a thing.

Let me breathe without performing,

Let me forget who I’m supposed to be.

And you don’t have to fix me,

You don’t have to make it right.

Just sit beside me in the quiet,

And stay with me tonight.

I don’t need an answer.

I don’t need you to understand.

I just want to know that wanting something Doesn’t make me who

I can’t stand.

I just want someone,

anyone,

To see me underneath the smile.

To tell me

I can want something,

too, Without feeling guilty all the while.

I want someone to hear the words That get lost inside my

head. To remind me I’m still here When I forget what I

once felt. Maybe I don’t have to hide forever.

Maybe I don’t have to know the way.

Maybe being scared of being broken Doesn’t mean I have to stay

this way. I want somebody to see me.

I want somebody to stay.

And maybe wanting that for myself

Isn’t something I have to be ashamed

to say. So here I am,

without the answers, Without knowing what

comes next. Still afraid to let you know me,

Still hoping you might see me yet. I

just want someone. Anyone.

To see me.