Nearly Called You

It’s late again.

I don’t know why I opened our chat.

I was doing fine,

actually.

Well…

Almost.

I nearly called you yesterday.

Had my finger on your name.

Then I remembered the last time.

How I talked.

How you went quiet.

How I came back the next morning

acting like it didn’t hurt.

Funny, right?

I still know your number

by heart.

And I hate that.

A little.

I hate that some small part of me still wants to tell

you everything.

Even the stupid things.

Especially those ones.

I nearly called you.

I nearly did.

I had so

much to say

then nothing came.

I nearly called you.

It’s getting embarrassing now.

I miss you…

But I don’t know if I miss you

or just how we used to be.

Something happened today.

Nothing serious.

Just one of those things you would’ve laughed at.

And for a second,

I forgot.

I reached for my phone like it was the most natural thing.

Then I stopped.

You know what?

That part hurt more than I expected.

Not the big things.

Just that.

I keep telling

myself

it’s okay, leave it alone.

People miss people.

It doesn’t mean you should go back.

I know that. I really do.

So why am I still here

looking at your picture?

I nearly called you.

I nearly did.

I had so much to say then nothing came.

I nearly called you.

It’s getting embarrassing now.

I miss you…

But I don’t know if I miss you or just how we

used to be.

Maybe tomorrow

I won’t think about it this much.

Maybe I’ll wake up

and your name won’t be the first thing.

Maybe.

I don’t know. I’m not even trying to be strong tonight.

I just don’t want to be the one

who keeps coming back to a door that doesn’t really open.

I nearly called you.

Look at me.

Still finding reasons

to leave you alone.

I nearly called you.

But I put my phone down.

And it feels like nothing… But maybe it’s something.

I miss you. Yeah,

I still do.

I just didn’t call you.

It’s late again.

Our chat is still there.

I think I’ll leave it there tonight.

Maybe that’s enough.

For tonight.