Hold Him Tonight

I used to count the footsteps

Coming down the hall.

One, two, three… Then I’d make myself small.

I learned the sound of silence

Before I learned to speak.

I knew when not to look at him.

I knew when not to breathe.

Morning came, I packed my bag,

Smiled like everything was fine.

Nobody could see the little boy

I left behind. At school I’d laugh with all my friends,

I’d run around and play,

Then I’d hear that front door close And watch the light fade

away.

I loved my father.

I was scared of him too.

I didn’t know those things Could both be true.

So I stayed quiet,

Stayed out of sight.

Held my pillow Every night.

And when the tears came falling down,

I whispered to myself…

It’s gonna be alright,

It’s gonna be alright.

Maybe tomorrow he’ll be different,

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be fine.

I’ll grow up someday,

I’ll find a better

life. And when I have a little boy,

I’ll hold him every night.

I’ll give him all the love

I never knew. I’ll make sure he never Feels the way I

do.

Sometimes he would smile at me,

And I’d forget the fear.

For just a little moment,

I thought my dad was here.

We’d sit and watch the television,

He’d laugh and I’d laugh too.

Those were the little pieces Of the father that I knew.

Then something changed.

The room went cold.

His voice got loud.

And I got small.

I learned to read his footsteps,

I learned to read his face.

I learned that love could disappear Without a single trace.

So I stopped asking questions.

I stopped asking why.

I became a little older

Every time I cried.

Little boy…

Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t make him angry.

You didn’t make him hurt you.

You were just a child.

You deserved to be loved.

And if nobody says it,

I’ll say it now… You were never the problem.

It’s gonna be alright,

It’s gonna be alright.

One day you’ll leave this house behind.

One day you’ll see the light.

You’ll grow up someday,

And you’ll understand— You don’t have to become the man Who made

you afraid. You’ll give your child the love You never knew.

You’ll hold him close And tell him,

“I’m here with you.”

I close my eyes.

The house is quiet.

For tonight… I’m safe inside my dreams.

And somewhere

in the dark, That little boy

is still waiting

to be loved.