Pirate Skank Radio

Ey up, this ain't Scouse,

this is Notts, duck,

listen in Pirate signal crackle,

static, let the bassline begin

That frog's on about rows and columns,

keys and locks This is Denormal D on the mic,

smashing them schemas up in blocks

Ey up duck, you're telling babbies about primary keys

Meanwhile my table's got everything,

running at ease

No arguing? Bruv I'll argue all day and all neet

Denormalized data, everything's stored complete

You want a customer name,

you don't go join no chart I've stuck it right there in

the order,

right from the start

Redundant? Aye, so what,

storage is cheap as nowt Your seven-way join's still spinning while mine's

already out

Flatten it out, flatten it out

One big table, no doubt,

no doubt Join two tables?

Nah mate, why bother Copy it twice,

keep it near one another

Your index is a drawer,

mine's the whole kitchen laid bare

Every field I need is sat right there,

no faffing, I swear

Normalize this, normalize that,

going on like it's law

Meanwhile my query's back before your JOIN clause hits the floor

Third normal form? Mardy little rulebook,

put it down

I'm running lean and wide,

king of Nottinghamshire town

You say constraints protect the data,

keep it nice and neat I say a bit of duplication never

cost me a defeat

Ribbit this, ribbit that,

one big table, that's a fact

Selecta! Pull it up,

no relations holding back

Scouse frog talking transactions,

rollback, commit, undone

I commit to one flat structure and I'm already gone

You back up, replicate,

keep another copy safe I just duplicate it inline,

sorted, case closed, no debate

Database at database pace?

Nah son, I'm going faster

Denormal D on the ones and twos,

I'm the query master Trust your data?

I trust mine, it's sat right where I can see it

No scan, no join,

no lock, just read it,

love it, be it

Flatten it out,

flatten it out

One big table,

no doubt, no doubt

Join two tables?

Nah mate, why bother

Copy it twice, keep it near

one another

Ey up.

That's Denormal D, straight outta Notts,

duck.

Rows, columns, keys, whatever.

I've got it all in one place and I got there first.

Big up the pirate signal.

Gone.