Dice, Dragons, and Disasters

Another road, another crypt,

another door with a trap,

Another “hero of legend” getting dropped in the back.

Got the fate of the coast sitting square on my spine,

And six grown adults yelling,

“Nah, I thought you had mine.” Wake up on a beach with

a worm in my brain,

Figure things can’t get worse,

then I assemble the gang.

Shadowheart got Guidance, but she misses the swing,

Sacred Flame hit nobody since the start of the thing.

Lae’zel talks murder like it’s cardio class,

Runs straight toward a dragon with eight points of gas.

Astarion in the shadows,

looking deadly and slick,

Till the lock says twenty and he rolls me a six.

Gale needs dinner, but apparently dinner is magic,

“Got a spare enchanted sword?” Man,

this habit is tragic.

I’m feeding that wizard half the loot that we find,

While he lectures me on Weave like we got plenty of time.

So I walk, fight,

save the day, Drag this whole damn camp every step of the

way. They miss, fall down,

then they call my name,

Still somehow I’m the one keeping Faerûn in the game.

Walk, fight, save the day,

Everybody got baggage and I carry the weight.

World on fire, gods making moves,

Whole squad questionable, but somehow we don’t lose.

Wyll calls himself Blade,

got a hero’s résumé,

Then Mizora walks in and takes half that away.

Karlach’s got heart, both the good and the burning,

Hits like a cart,

so at least somebody’s learning.

Meanwhile I’m negotiating goblins and gods,

Breaking curses, killing cultists,

defying the odds. Every camp conversation turns into trauma at night,

I just wanted eight hours and my spell slots right.

Somebody’s got a secret,

somebody needs revenge, Somebody pissed off devils,

somebody’s lost a friend.

Everybody wants answers, redemption,

romance, I’m just staring at the map like,

“Can we please advance?”

And when the dice go cold,

When the healer’s down low,

When the rogue got spotted And the wizard says “Oh no”...

(oh no) I tighten my boots,

Put the sword in my grip,

Because apparently leadership Means babysitting this shit.

Now we’re deep in the city and the Absolute’s near,

Every villain got a speech that I’m required to hear.

Brain floating overhead, whole horizon goes red,

Half my crew needs healing,

other half nearly dead.

But we came too damn far to let the ending go bad,

Through the temples, the towers,

every tantrum they had.

Every critical miss, every trap we walked through,

Every “WAIT, DON’T TOUCH THAT” right before somebody do.

So bring gods, bring devils,

bring the armies in line,

I got five resurrection scrolls and irresponsible minds.

They may not be legends when the battle begins,

But somehow when it matters,

these idiots are my friends.

So we walk, fight,

save the day, Dragged this broken little family the whole damn way.

We missed, fell down,

still answered the call,

Faerûn needed heroes, guess they settled for us all.

Walk, fight, end the game,

Put the Netherbrain down,

let the bards know the name.

No perfect crew, no flawless run,

Just one tired bastard who still got it done. (yeah)