Not That Kind of Elf
(Yeah, they see the ears and think I’m from the woods…) (Uh-uh.
Not a chance.) Listen up!
Everyone expects me with a longbow in the trees
Singing ancient hymns while I glide upon the breeze Are you kidding
me? Have you seen what lurks outside?
Mosquitoes, ticks, and beetles wanting a bite!
Branches in my hair,
mud all over my boots I’m a futuristic elf,
I don’t care about roots!
Swordplay? Archery? Running in the dirt?
No way, darling, that just makes my ankles hurt!
You can keep the sparring ring,
I’ll stay on my bed Give me sweet cacao and a screen
instead! 'Cause I’m not that kind of elf,
no way, no how!
I want neon lights and milk chocolate right now!
Those mystical woods? Yeah,
they look so neat In four Kay on my monitor,
thirty-inch sweet! You want me to step outside?
To the real dark trees where the horrors hide?
Haha, nope! Way too scary for me!
(Way too scary, way too scary!) Centuries of wisdom?
I just grind my battle pass
Eating truffles on the sofa,
chilling out of class "Go protect the
sacred glade!"—um, is there Wi-Fi there?
No charging ports, no air-con,
totally unfair! I love a glowing biome on a high-res display Press
Pause when it gets spooky and just walk away!
Cross country hiking? Dodging dragon breath?
Sweating in the sun is a fate worse than death!
Hand me the wrapper,
break off a square I'm living my best life in my gamer
chair!
'Cause I’m not that kind of elf,
no way, no how!
I want neon lights and milk chocolate right now!
Those mystical woods? Yeah,
they look so neat In four Kay on my monitor,
thirty-inch sweet! You want me to step outside?
To the real dark trees where the horrors hide?
Haha, nope! Way too scary for me!
Call me cyber, call me lazy,
call me soft inside
At least I’m bug-free and fully satisfied
Nature’s aesthetic, but keep it on the screen Gimme a bowl of
chocolate chips and I won't be mean!
'Cause I’m not that kind of elf,
no way, no how!
I want neon lights and milk chocolate right now!
Those mystical woods? Yeah,
they look so neat In four Kay on my monitor,
thirty-inch sweet! You want me to step outside?
To the real dark trees where the horrors hide?
Haha, nope! Way too scary for me!
Keep your enchanted forests.
Pass the dark chocolate with sea salt.
Logging off… bye!