You were supposed to stay

I still reach for my phone when something happens,

Like I’m gonna tell you everything.

I still hear your laugh in crowded places,

Still expect you to walk through the door and say my name.

Your hoodie’s hanging where you left it,

And I can’t bring myself to move it away.

Everybody says that time will help me,

But time doesn’t bring you back today.

And I keep asking all the questions That nobody can answer for

me. Was there something I could’ve noticed?

Was there something I failed to see?

You were supposed to stay,

You were supposed to grow old with me.

We had a thousand stupid dreams And places we were gonna see.

I’m angry, I’m broken,

I miss you more than words can say.

I wish I could go back somehow And make you choose another

day. You were my best friend,

And I still don’t know what to say.

I love you, I miss you,

And I wish you had stayed.

I hate the silence after midnight,

When every memory gets loud.

I see us laughing in the old days,

Before the world came crashing down.

Sometimes I’m angry that you left me,

Then I feel guilty for being mad.

I know you must have been hurting

More than I ever understood you had.

And I’d give anything to hear you Tell me everything’s okay.

I’d sit beside you through the darkness,

I just wish you’d let me stay.

I will never win,

I know,

I know—

Not against the memories,

Not against the questions That follow me wherever I go.

But I don’t want to forget you.

Even when remembering destroys me.

I’d rather hurt because I loved you Than pretend you never meant

everything to me.

You weren’t a goodbye.

You weren’t a headline.

You weren’t the worst moment of your life.

You were my best friend….

I keep thinking about that last time we laughed.

You said something stupid,

And I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe.

You looked at me and said,

“God, you’re annoying.” I laughed.

You laughed.

And I had no idea I was looking at a memory

I’d spend the rest of my life trying to get back.

If I’d known,

I would’ve memorized your face.

I would’ve hugged you longer.

I would’ve told you I loved you Before you walked away.

But I didn’t know.

That’s what breaks me.

Your number’s still in my phone.

I still can’t delete it.

Maybe someday I will.

But not tonight.