Proper Cornish Ribbets
Alright, my lover.
Fella asked me yesterday,
“Why be you green?”
Bit personal, innit?
I don't go round asking why you're beige.
...ribbit.
Went down bakery, quarter past ten,
said, “One steak pasty,
I'll have that one then.”
Woman says,
“Would you like a fork?”
A fork? My lover...
I've got a tongue that can catch a fly
at fifteen foot.
I'll manage a pasty.
Walked down the lane,
tractor coming through. Tourist behind me goes,
“Can it not go round you?”
Round WHERE? Hedge. Hedge.
Tractor. Me.
This isn't the M25,
my lover. We'll get there dreckly.
Proper little frog, proper Cornish day,
bit of drizzle blowing in
from St Ives way.
Board under arm, pasty in me hand,
webbed feet ready— best surfer in the land.
Bloke says,
“Can frogs actually surf?”
Can YOU surf? “No.” Well then.
Ribbit.
From the field... to the sea...
from the tractor... TO THE PASTY!
RIBBIT!
PROPER CORNISH FROG! MY LOVERRRRR!
PASTY IN ME HAND AND THE ATLANTIC FOR ME COVER!
RIBBIT! RIBBIT! ANSUM, ANSUM!
GREEN LITTLE LAD AND I'M PROPER FUCKIN' CORNISH!
Went to the pub.
Barman says,
“Pint of cider?” Obviously.
He goes, “Dry or sweet?”
I says, “Yes.”
Sat outside.
Seagull nicked me pasty.
Now... I'm a peaceful frog.
But there are limits.
Followed the bastard halfway to Newquay.
Later this tourist says,
“Are you local?”
Yeah. “How local?”
Cornwall.
“No, where were you born?”
Pond outside Truro. “Oh!
So
you're indigenous?”
... Steady on, my lover.
I'm a frog, not an archaeological discovery.
Then I saw the sunset...
gold across the Atlantic...
tractor in the distance...
cider in me hand...
And I thought:
That's proper ansum, that is.
WHERE BE THE FROG?!
CORNWALL! WHAT BE HE DRINKIN'?!
CIDER!
WHAT BE IN HIS POCKET?!
Nothing!
I'M A FROG! RIBBIT!
RIBBIT! MY LOVERRRRRR! PROPER CORNISH FROG!
RIBBIT BY THE SEA!
PASTIES! CIDER! TRACTORS! SURFING!
THAT'S THE LIFE FOR ME!
DRECKLY! DRECKLY! WE'LL GET THERE WHEN WE DO!
AND IF YOU PUT THE JAM ON WRONG— WE'RE NOT DISCUSSING THAT
WITH YOU!
Anyway.
Lost me surfboard.
Floated away while I was catching a fly.
Get it dreckly. ...ribbit,
my lover.