Flatcap Crown Shine
Gather round, me froggy friends,
I've got a tale to tell Of the day the old boss
took me down to Liverpool as hell He said "lad,
you need to see a proper city,
not a bog" And that's the day I learned that Scousers and
the seagulls have a trope...
I was fresh from Bog Valley with a COBOL degree in hand
Froggy said "you'll do,
you daft sod, let's get this show on land" He picked me
up in his Vauxhall,
the ashtray full of Werther's He said "the council's mainframe's down,
it's prob'ly just a letter" We drove past Albert Dock,
the Radio City tower He told me "son,
I've been in this job since you were in the shower"
Oh the flatcap seagull,
he wore it with pride He stood on that chip cone with
the ocean as his bride
Froggy shook his fist and said "that cone is mine,
you git" And the seagull screeched back,
"come and have a go if you're legit!" (come and have a
go if you're legit!)
We'd stopped for a cone of chips — the chippy on the
strand Froggy said "now this is culture,
Jim, the best in all the land" He'd just unwrapped the paper
when the seagull touched down
Perched upon the handlebars of a bike chained to the ground The
bird was wearing a flatcap — I swear to God it's true
— He'd nicked it from a bloke who'd chased him back in
'92
Froggy said "oy, that's trespassing,
that cone belongs to me" The seagull looked him up and down
and scoffed, "we'll have to see" He tucked the cap down tighter
and he took a chip in beak And Froggy,
the old warrior, he turned a proper shade of peak Oh the
flatcap seagull, he wore it with pride He stood on that chip
cone with the ocean as his bride Froggy lunged left,
seagull dodged right A seagull with a flatcap is a formidable sight
(formidable sight!)
They circled round each other on the pavement by the docks A
crowd had gathered — a few lads,
an old girl walking her fox Froggy attempted negotiation: "split the cone,
we share" The seagull answered with a screech and a feather in
the air He pecked my old boss on the hand — the
one that held the malt — And Froggy swore a sentence that
would make a docker halt He said "right,
that's it, you bastard,
you've made a powerful enemy" And chased the bird to the Pier
Head, papers flying in the breeze The seagull dropped the flatcap.
Froggy picked it up and said "One all,
you winged disgrace. Now I'm eating chips instead." (hahaha)
Oh the flatcap seagull,
he fought with his soul But Froggy got the chips back,
and that's how legends roll He sat down on the bench,
the flatcap on his head Said "that was the best fight I've
had since the boardroom — and he's deader." (and he's deader!)
We ate the chips in silence,
the waves on the Mersey grey
Froggy said "that seagull's probably planning round two for another day"
I laughed, he laughed,
the flatcap sat between us on the seat And I thought:
this is what a real boss looks like,
in the heat (spoken,
quietly) He's gone now,
Froggy. The seagull's still out there somewhere,
probably.
Probably still wearing hats.
The last chip was cold.
But it was proper job.