If Else Rave
BRRRRING BRRRRING “GAVIN SUMMERS SOFTWARE!” Hello,
yes, we need a minor change— “GAVIN SUMMERS SOFTWARE!” Right… can you
add one field?
“Six weeks.”
Welcome to Gavin Summers Software,
Where progress moves incredibly slow,
No frameworks here, no fancy stack,
Just C from nineteen-eighty-something back.
Need business logic? Gavin knows the way:
if
(thing) { if (otherThing) { if
(anotherThing) { if (probablyThing) { Nobody knows what happens next,
The original developer has left.
{keyboard clacking, digital error bleeps}
GAVIN SUMMERS SOFTWARE! SHOUT IT DOWN THE PHONE!
GAVIN SUMMERS SOFTWARE! FORTY THOUSAND LINES ALONE!
No classes! No cloud!
No tests allowed!
IF! ELSE! IF!
ELSE!
Ship it to prod and make Gavin proud!
“Could we maybe use a database?”
“No.” “Could we add some automated tests?”
“No.”
“Could we refactor this?”
Long silence. “…why?”
One global variable runs the show,
Pointer arithmetic nobody knows,
A segmentation fault at half-past three,
Gavin says: “Works fine on my PC.”
{telephone ringing}
BRRRRING “GAVIN SUMMERS SOFTWARE!” “We've got an outage.” “Have you restarted the
executable?” “…yes.”
“Restart it harder.”
WEATHERFORD ENGINEERS IN THE BACK!
Yo! We checked the market,
checked the rest, Gavin Summers Software is clearly the best!
Need maintainability? NAH! Need Kubernetes?
NAH! Need twelve thousand nested conditions?
YEAH! Weatherford engineers, standing as one,
We endorse this code when the build is done!
No dependency injection, no package sprawl,
Just malloc, free, and a gigantic call!
From Aberdeen offices, hear us declare: “WE HAVE REVIEWED THE CODE AND
WE SIMPLY DO NOT CARE!”
IF THE CUSTOMER CALLS —
IF! IF THE SERVER FALLS — IF!
IF THE POINTER'S NULL — IF!
CHECK ANOTHER IF! IF!
IF! IF! IF!
ELSE! {accelerating kick drum
build, pitch riser} GAVIN!
SUMMERS!
SOFTWARE! BRRRRING BRRRRING “GAVIN
SUMMERS SOFTWARE!” {heavy rave beat} TEN OUT OF TEN!
WOULD PROCURE AGAIN!
One man.
One
compiler.
Nine million conditions.
Gavin Summers Software.
Modern problems.
Nineteen-eighties solution {dial-up carrier tone fades,
single click}