Kilted Wrench Riot

OI! OI! OI!

When your mower won't fire and your weed eater won't scream,

There's smoke from the shed and there's fuel in the stream,

Don't kick the old thing,

don't throw it away,

Call the Kilted Mechanic — he'll get it running today!

I've pulled on the cord till my shoulder went numb,

Checked spark at the plug — still the engine won't run,

Fresh fuel in the tank and the carburetor clean,

But that sneaky solenoid's nowhere to be seen!

Customer says, "It ran yesterday!" Funny how they always do — or

so people say! "I stored it right,

the petrol's brand new!" Drain out the tank — it's yellow as

glue!

HEY! HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Petrol and oil and problems gigantic!

From weed eaters screaming to mowers that die,

I'll work on that engine till it happily complies!

HEY!

HEY! GIVE THAT STARTER A PULL!

The tank may be empty — they thought it was full!

With a wrench in my hand and a kilt round my waist,

I'll get the thing running — there's no time to waste!

Zero-turn mower that cranks but won't start,

Brand-new carburetor and three brand-new parts,

New battery, new plug,

new solenoid too, Then the safety switch whispers,

"I've got one for you!" Trace every wire from the front to

the back, Find a tired old connector hiding under the muck,

Twenty minutes later there's a Kawasaki roar,

Customer asks, "What was wrong with it before?"

"How much time have you got?" HEY!

HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Briggs and Kohler keep the workshop frantic!

Kawasaki coughing and an Echo won't rev,

Every little engine likes to give me a test!

Petrol on my hands and grease on my face,

I'll get your old mower back into the race!

Weed eater bogging when you open her wide,

Spark arrestor full of carbon inside,

Fuel lines brittle and the primer bulb split,

Someone turned the carb screws just a tiny bit!

Deck belt shredded, wrapped round the hydro,

Pulley's out of line — where'd the old belt go?

Grass packed solid underneath the deck,

"I cleaned it last week!" WELL...

ALMOST, I EXPECT! Bent pushrod!

STUCK VALVE!

Dirty jet!

OLD GAS!

Flat tire!

TIRED COIL!

Mouse nest! WHAT A DAY!

Give me my toolbox,

Give me my rag,

And a mower that hasn't run Since nineteen-ninety-five!

"Should be an easy fix,

mate." "Ah... the famous last words!"

HEY! HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Pipes screaming louder, the workshop is frantic!

From Gravely to Deere and from Toro to Scag,

I'll bring 'em back home with my tools in the bag!

HEY! HEY! WHEN YOUR SMALL ENGINE'S DEAD!

Don't kick the old mower or scratch your head!

From lawnmowers and trimmers to zero-turn might,

THE KILTED MECHANIC WILL PUT THE THING RIGHT!

THE KILTED MECHANIC!

HEY!

HEY! PIPES! PLUGS! PETROL!

OI! OI! OI!

Spark... Fuel... Compression...

"And don't forget those safety switches!"

Rrr... rrr... rrr... "Come on,

old girl..." RRR... VROOOOM!

"There she goes! I knew you had it in you!"