Kilt, Wrenches & Wild Engines

OI! OI! OI!

When your mower won't fire and your weed eater won't scream,

There's smoke from the shed and there's fuel in the stream,

Don't kick the damn thing,

don't throw it away,

Call the Kilted Mechanic — he'll get it running today!

I've pulled on the cord till my shoulder went numb,

Checked spark at the plug — still the bastard won't run,

Fresh fuel in the tank and the carburetor clean,

But the bloody fuel solenoid's nowhere to be seen!

Customer says, "It ran yesterday!" Yeah,

they always bloody do — what else can they say?

"I stored it right,

the petrol's

brand new!" Drain out the tank — it's yellow as glue!

HEY! HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Petrol and oil and problems satanic!

From weed eaters screaming to mowers that die,

I'll swear at the engine till the bastard complies!

HEY! HEY! GIVE THAT STARTER A PULL!

The tank may be empty — they told me it's full!

With a wrench in my hand and a kilt round my arse,

I'll get the thing running — or strip it for parts!

Zero-turn mower that cranks but won't start,

Brand-new carburetor and three brand-new parts,

New battery, new plug,

new solenoid too, Then the safety switch says,

"I've got plans for you!" Trace every wire from the front to

the back, Find a melted connector all covered in crap,

Twenty minutes later there's a Kawasaki roar,

Customer asks, "What was wrong with it before?" "How much time have

you got?"

HEY! HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Briggs and Kohler problems make a man manic!

Kawasaki coughing and an Echo won't rev,

One more cheap carb and I'll drink myself dead!

Petrol on my hands and grease on my face,

I'll get your old mower back into the race!

Weed eater bogging when you open her wide,

Spark arrestor full of carbon inside,

Fuel lines brittle and the primer bulb split,

Someone's adjusted the carburetor to shit!

Deck belt shredded, wrapped round the hydro,

Pulley's out of line — where'd the bloody belt go?

Grass packed solid underneath the deck,

"I cleaned it last week!" AYE,

LIKE HECK!

Bent pushrod!

STUCK VALVE! Dirty jet!

BAD GAS! Flat tire!

DEAD COIL! Mouse

nest! KICK ITS ARSE!

Give me my toolbox,

Give me my rag,

And a mower that hasn't run Since nineteen-ninety-bloody-five!

"Should be an easy fix,

mate." "Aye..."

HEY! HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Pipes screaming louder than engines volcanic!

From Gravely to Deere and from Toro to Scag,

I'll bring 'em back home with my tools in the bag!

HEY! HEY! WHEN YOUR SMALL ENGINE'S DEAD!

Don't kick the mower or beat on the shed!

From lawnmowers and trimmers to zero-turn might,

THE KILTED MECHANIC WILL PUT THE DAMN THING RIGHT!

THE KILTED MECHANIC! HEY!

HEY! PIPES! PLUGS! PETROL!

OI! OI! OI! Spark...

Fuel... Compression... "And check the bloody safety switches!"

Rrr... rrr... rrr...

"Come on, you bastard..." RRR...

VROOOOM!

"See? Told you the bastard would run."