Wrenchs, Bagpipes & Blood

Oi! Oi! Oi!

When your mower won't fire and your strimmer won't scream,

There's smoke from the shed and there's fuel in the stream,

Don't kick the damn thing,

don't throw it away,

Call the Kilted Mechanic — he'll get it running today!

I've pulled on the cord till my shoulder went numb,

Checked spark at the plug — still the bastard won't run,

Fresh fuel in the tank and a carburetor clean,

But the bloody fuel solenoid's nowhere to be seen!

The customer's saying, "It ran yesterday!" Yeah,

they always bloody do — what else can they say?

"I only used it once,

and I stored it just right!" Then I drain out the petrol

— it's as yellow as shite!

🎵 HEY! HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Petrol and oil and problems satanic!

From weed eaters screaming to mowers that die,

I'll swear at the engine till the bastard complies!

HEY! HEY! GIVE THAT STARTER A PULL!

The tank may be empty — they told me it's full!

With a wrench in my hand and a kilt round my arse,

I'll get the thing running — or strip it for parts!

🎵

DA-DA-DA-DAAA! DA-DA-DA-DAAA!

Got a zero-turn mower that cranks but won't start,

A brand-new carburetor and three brand-new parts,

New battery, new plug,

new solenoid too, And the safety switch says,

"Fuck you, I choose you!" So I trace every wire from the

front to the back,

Find a connector half melted and covered in crap,

Twenty minutes later there's a Kawasaki roar,

And the customer says,

"What was wrong with it before?" "Well...

how much time have you got?"

🎵

HEY! HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Briggs and Kohler problems make a man manic!

Kawasaki coughing and an Echo won't rev,

One more Chinese carb and I'll drink myself dead!

HEY! HEY! GIVE THAT STARTER A PULL!

Compression is good and the spark plug is full,

Got petrol on my hands and grease on my face,

But I'll get your old mower back into the race!

🎵

Weed eater bogging when you open her wide,

Spark arrestor plugged up with carbon inside,

Fuel lines are brittle,

primer bulb split, And somebody's adjusted the carburetor to shit!

Deck belt shredded and wrapped round the hydro,

Pulley's out of line — where'd the bloody belt go?

Grass packed solid underneath the deck,

"I cleaned it last week!" — AYE,

LIKE HECK! Bent pushrod!

Stuck valve! Dirty jet!

BAD GAS! Flat tire!

Dead coil! Mouse nest!

KICK ITS ARSE!

Some men wear coveralls,

Some men wear jeans,

Some men own workshops That are spotless and clean.

But give me my toolbox,

My old oily rag,

A mower that hasn't run Since nineteen-ninety-bloody-five!

And somebody saying... "Should be an easy fix,

mate." ...Aye.

🎵 HEY! HEY! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

Pipes screaming louder than engines volcanic!

From Gravely to Deere and from Toro to Scag,

I'll bring 'em back home with my tools in the bag!

HEY! HEY! WHEN YOUR SMALL ENGINE'S DEAD!

Don't beat the carburetor or kick in the shed!

From lawnmowers and trimmers to zero-turn might,

THE KILTED MECHANIC WILL PUT THE DAMN THING RIGHT!

🎵 Spark...

Fuel... Compression... "And check the bloody safety switches!" OI!

OI! OI! THE KILTED MECHANIC!

"See? Told you

the bastard would

run."