Stand Up Meeting
It's nine-fifteen and I'm dialing in on a mic that's dying,
fifteen faces in a grid and every one of 'em's lying,
"yesterday I worked the ticket" — nah,
you didn't, you were trying to look busy in a thread while
the whole sprint was quietly frying.
And I'm next and I'm ready,
got my three lines steady,
"same as yesterday, no blockers" — said it,
dead it, already, but the truth is that I spent it in
a doc that nobody reads,
chasing down a null in prod that nobody concedes,
and the fourth guy's muted,
he's been muted for a year,
we assume that he's alive 'cause his little light is clear,
and the product guy is typing and I know it's gonna be
"hey real quick can we get an ETA" — no.
Not from me.
I have no blockers,
I have no blockers
Yesterday the ticket, today the ticket
I have no blockers,
I have no blockers
Nothing gets solved but the ritual's perfect
Twenty-two minutes times fifteen,
do the math on that,
that's five and a half hours and we're never coming back,
and we do it every morning like it's carved into the stone,
just to say the words out loud that we could've said alone.
Scope changed Monday, changed again on Tuesday,
changed on Wednesday, nobody told me either way,
and I built the thing they asked for and they asked for
something new, and they'll ask me at the standup how I'm coming
with the two. And I'll say — no blockers.
Say it flat. Say it clean.
Say it like I mean it,
like it's ever what I mean.
'Cause the ritual don't want the truth,
the ritual wants the sound,
fifteen little voices going round and round and round—
And then somebody said it.
Out loud.
On the call.
I have a blocker.
Take it offline,
take it offline
Take it offline,
that's the line
Take it offline,
take it offline
Nothing gets solved
but we're
doing fine
Nobody took it offline.
Nobody ever does. Offline is a country that we made up just
because we needed somewhere quiet we could bury what we owe,
and we point at it and nod at it and everybody knows.
He'll be back tomorrow morning,
same square, same light,
same three lines he said today,
he'll say 'em all night,
and I'll say mine,
and you'll say yours,
and none of it is true,
and the standup will be perfect.
And the ticket will be,
too.
Same time tomorrow.
Same time tomorrow.