Left Shoe Chronicles

Woke up dressed like I lost a fight,

One shoe left and my phone's on five.

Three new numbers I don't recognize,

Somebody texted ‘You still alive?’ Coffee first,

questions second, Look around—last night left evidence.

LAST NIGHT LEFT EVIDENCE!

(EVERYWHERE!) Phone full of things I don't remember saying!

(YOU SAID ’EM!) Got one shoe,

no clue where the other one went,

And my bank app looks like I stopped paying rent.

Last night left evidence—

SOMEBODY HIDE MY PHONE!

Don't remember doing anything stupid—

Which usually means— I PROBABLY DID IT ALL!

Okay, reconstruct: started out at eight,

Said ‘one drink, home early,’ famous last mistake.

Nine-thirty confidence, ten-thirty great,

Eleven apparently I started tempting fate.

There's a blurry photograph I can't explain,

Me with three strangers on somebody's train.

Receipt says downtown, memory says vague,

Why did I search ‘Can you legally own a crane?’

Got somebody's sunglasses, glitter on my face,

One voicemail labeled ‘Dude,

you're insane’— I'm gonna need breakfast before pressing play.

(PRESS PLAY!)

Absolutely not.

Did I call her?

(YEP!) Did she answer?

(YEP!) Was I charming?

(...NEXT QUESTION!) Did I dance?

(TECHNICALLY!) What does technically mean?

Found my jacket, encouraging news,

Found both keys, still not shoe number two.

Checked my messages—terrible move,

Apparently midnight-me had something to prove.

Sent ‘I'm coming over’—didn't say where,

Sent twelve fire emojis to somebody named Claire.

I don't know Claire,

which hardly seems fair,

Claire wrote ‘Who the hell is this?’—there.

Then I see seventeen calls beside somebody's name,

Hit the voicemail, whole beat rearranged.

Last-night-me starts talking, today-me feels pain— But wasn't angry,

wasn't acting wild, Just called an old friend I ain't seen in

a while. Said life's moving fast and I missed that guy— Damn.

Drunk me accidentally did something right.

(PLOT TWIST!)

Did I embarrass myself? (ABSOLUTELY!)

Did anybody die? (NO!) Lose my dignity?

(TEMPORARILY!) Can we never discuss this? (NO!)

LAST NIGHT LEFT EVIDENCE!

(EVERYWHERE!) Every clue says I had one hell of a night!

(YOU DID!) Got my keys,

got my phone, got most of my pride,

Still don't know where that left shoe hides.

Last night left evidence,

But here's what I've learned— Actually,

I'm not learning shit.

(THAT'S OUR GUY!)

Seriously.

Who's Claire?