Frozen Update Blues

You are the human equivalent

Of a software update

That takes four hours to install

Crashes your system at ninety-nine percent

And offers absolutely no new features

Or improvements to the user experience

Your personality is so aggressively bland If you were a spice,

you would be flour (oh flour) Your presence actively drains the room

Like an unplugged refrigerator hum

You possess the exact decision-making skills Of a heavily concussed Roomba

Trapped inside a circular box

For three consecutive business days

Your attention span is thoroughly fried Probably needing a split-screen video

Just to get through this sentence

Your personality is so aggressively bland If you were a spice,

you would be flour (oh flour) Your presence actively drains the room

Like an unplugged refrigerator hum

You are the type who asks for advice

Argues with the person trying to help

Does the exact

opposite And then complains about the disaster

Your daily routine is closing an app Only to reopen it two

seconds later

Bypassing the theaters

Straight into the bargain bin

Of an abandoned gas station

(bye bye)